May 2011
1 post
Honorary Bro Scout: Barack Obama
Remember that time you were at throwing a party and you were dominating your eighth round of beer pong. You were fucking unstoppable. Bros were falling down into drunken heaps of vomit and shit all around you. You were God.
But then that weird, shady dude who “brought his own saki” came downstairs after he finished having a conversation about “Proust” (whatever the fuck...
January 2011
2 posts
4 tags
Honorary Bro Scout: Timothy Ferriss
Yo Tim dawg! Just checked out your new book, bro. Tight stuff. Tight tight tight. Tight! Myself, I’d been doing the Body By Jake thing all these years (my moms gave it to me as a 12th birthday present), and while I think I could put a serious hurt on those GTL pussies (I’m starting with you, Ronnie, you psychopath), I thought could probably stand to up my game a little bit so I...
3 tags
The Danger Close Badge
So, bro, there you are. In a bar. Probably at Brother Jimmy’s. Maybe you’re meeting your bros there to catch a Chargers game (go San Diego!) and you’re a little late. No biggie. You are a grown bro, it’s cool to show up late.
Hey, look! There are your bros, they’ve got a table towards the back. You throw a chin nod their way — what uuuuuuuuup! — and...
December 2010
8 posts
The Brovocaine Badge
From time to time, a bro of yours will misplace his nuts and get all whiny and nervous about something “difficult” he has to do like change his tampon or attend his mom’s funeral or confront his long-time girlfriend because he caught her cheating on him or whatever. But you’re a charitable dude, so instead of (or in addition to) telling him to grow a pair of balls, you...
4 tags
The "Empathetical" Badge
You know how sometimes a bro you know will be all sad and boring because his dog died or his grandma got eaten by sharks or whatever? And you have to be, like, all … like, you can’t just talk about normal shit because your bro is all, “I can’t stop whining right now because my dog fell in a cement mixer and now he’s just this fucked up statue of a dead dog or...
4 tags
The Kara-bro-ke Badge
If anyone asks who your favorite bands are, you don’t hesitate to answer with “Sabbath, Bon Jovi, Skynyrd,” and your iTunes library proves it. However, in the privacy of your car or shower, you belt out Taylor Swift at the top of your lungs. You know every part to “One Day More” from Les Mis and even sing along to the Eponine parts. And if anyone gets you...
5 tags
The Pack Mule Badge
Remember the last time you were out shopping with your bros and one of them asked you to carry their purse for them? You better fucking hope you answered “no” to that question, you pussy. Now think about any time you were tricked into shopping with your girlfriend. Chances are you ended up hefting around boxes and bags full of shoes or Skittles or whatever it is girls shop for. If that’s...
The Hangovaries Badge
Bro 1: Dude.
Bro 2: Duuuude.
Bro 1: Big night last night, bro. Big night. Feel like bro-tal shit. I think my brain is bro-ken.
Bro 2: Aw, poor little dude.
Bro 1: No, seriously. I’m all sensitive today. I banged all these babes last night and totally got my bro on, but now I don’t know what’s up. I, like, I feel sad and self-protective and seriously, seriously hungover,...
5 tags
Honorary Bro Scout: Julian Assange
Some of you bros may not have heard of Julian Assange because he doesn’t even play any sports, but this dude keeps coming across my brodar™ this week, and for good reason! For those of you who don’t know, Julian Assange took the international media by storm recently after secret cables leaked to the press about how he had sex with all these Swedish chicks without using a condom. Holy...
6 tags
The Throw-Up Drunk (TUD) Badge
Yo dude, congrats! I am congratsing you on drinking alcohol. More specifically, my good bro, for drinking alcohol past the point of mere memory loss, past the point of getting gaysted, and dude, even past the point of passing out. You became unconscious, dude, yes, and then you did something beautiful: You puked. You vommed. You barfed. You made your lunch visible to the outside world. You...
4 tags
The Hos Before Bros Badge
Remember that time when you wanted to play Call of Duty with your actual friends, but your girlfriend was all, “Let’s make love to each other” or whatever kind of awful shit your girlfriend probably says when you’re trying to do something important?
Well, if you are the kind of bro who is probably all, “OK, sweetikins, let’s do your awful idea instead of the...