The “Empathetical” Badge

You know how sometimes a bro you know will be all sad and boring because his dog died or his grandma got eaten by sharks or whatever? And you have to be, like, all … like, you can’t just talk about normal shit because your bro is all, “I can’t stop whining right now because my dog fell in a cement mixer and now he’s just this fucked up statue of a dead dog or whatever”? 

And you have to be like … you have to, like, scrunch up your face and get this, like, intense look in your eyes, and you have to pause for, like a long time, like you’re thinking about it, and then you have to be like, “Dude. That sucks.” With a real emphasis on the “sucks,” like it actually does suck in, like, a Sad way instead of just being this bullshit that is ruining your afternoon? 

Let’s practice:

Sadbro: “Yo, I’m all fucked up because my dumb grandma got eaten by sharks or whatever.”
You: “Dude. That sucks.”

That’s called being “Empathetical,” and you’re it. Congratulations. Try not to cry too hard while you’re accepting this badge, you sniveling princess. 

—Broseph Stalin